I have been thinking about writing all day – I have found that when I am in this space it is perhaps God’s way of saying, “STRING the words, my child.”
I am starting to see that each time I write a new layer of clarity washes over me and I am literally strengthened by the words. I hate to sound selfish – I am certain there is purpose in my writing beyond my own healing BUT I cannot help but share how cathartic this has been for my soul. Words really do have the power to tear down or build up.
Today, I have thought a lot about failure. I can look back throughout the landscape of my life and it is literally around every corner – these little pockets of defeat mixed with triumph.
I have failed at relationships.
I have failed jobs. EVEN got fired – thank you Melting Pot.
I bombed tests.
I have showed up late.
I have yelled at my kids on the way to school feverishly push them out of the car at drop off hoping that the parking duties don’t notice my tires skidding as I peel out. SEE yeah later! WHOSE crazy children are they, anyway!
I have drank WAY too much alcohol some nights.
And slept with a few people in my early twenties that will go unnamed.
I have won some and lost some.
I tell you all this NOT to shame or discredit myself BUT simply for the opposite purpose – I never want you to think that I showed up here writing unscathed without GOBS of failure.
I have completely 1000% made bad decisions in my life. Decisions that hurt me and hurt others.
It is really true that when we hurt, we literally bleed on other people. I have bled on quite a few.
AND for the longest time all this made me feel completely unworthy. Like somehow, I was the sum of every mistake I ever made. It was like I was WAITING for the jig to be up. For everyone to realize I was really THAT bad. So, I kept making stupid decisions or putting myself in situations that perpetuated this notion.
The irony. EVERYONE thought I was SOOOO confident. And maybe in some ways I was. I mean I have walked away from a LOT of things that I loved. I had to. It was eating more and more away at my confidence.
But looking back I realized something very important – I never gave myself the room to make a mistake. It was like I completely expected perfection. I wanted everything to be right. I wanted to say all the right things. I wanted to be all the things every needed me to be AND it was literally killing me.
I wanted people to look at me and think, man she is smart. Gosh, she has her shit together. WOW, look at what she has to offer.
AND this – this was all wrong. I was literally living and dying by the praise of the other people and covering up all my failures in the process.
Now, I am not saying that I have sorted all this out. I mean, the first couple blog posts I wrote I literally laid awake ALL night worrying about what you were thinking. BUT the difference today is that I see it. I see I cannot live like this and I just have to be me. Regardless of whether you get me or not. Regardless of whether I get it right every time or not.
Because the bigger picture is the less I am me the more I am saying to God – YOU made a mistake. You should not have made me this way and I refuse to be in the game until I am guaranteed I will be perfect at it.
He cannot give me that. Perfection is never the goal.
I have always admired people who seem to just sit comfortably in their own skin. It’s like they are not too swayed by other’s opinions – they just are who they are not being afraid to make a mistake.
I want to be more like that. I want to keep writing to you. NOT being afraid what you will think or how this will impact my real estate business, etc. I just want to be me – tell you some stories and PRAY to God that somehow my story inspires you. I pray it makes you feel like we are all not really that different. WE all struggle – probably with the same things. Our stories might look different, but our fears probably have some thread of familiarity.
SO, on this day, Feb 15, 2020 at 6:07pm I am making a commitment to let go of the need to be perfect – fumble my way through this writing thing and just be me.
My prayer of all prayers today is that you BE YOU!
Until next time my friends,